The alarm clock two rooms away hadn’t yet pierced the silence, granting him the solitary time in his day. Rubbing his eyes he searched for connection to the home that was now a memory. Blinking repeatedly to clear his mind, he accepted it as a fantasy he could no longer afford. The estate on Rose Hill was nothing but a history, and finding a grateful space for dearly departed to dwell was an exercise in futility. An empty mind and blank stare were his only protection from rage.

Nuances of joy that used to make him bound out of bed itched to be enjoyed, but served only as chains of frivolousness in his current condition. The hours spent daydreaming under the old oak tree became calculated attacks that sat in the pit of his stomach. If there was a path forward in this life, he was unable or unwilling to see it. Time had become an enemy to Andy.

A dark grey suit hung on the closet doorknob taunting him of today’s occasion. A white button-down hung underneath to press the squared creases created by cellophane packaging. His pick of the red clip-on tie was the only item he could imagine having use of again, and fanaticized cutting the rest to ribbons as soon as the day was done. Its satisfaction was short-lived. 

           “Responding in anger has no home in our family,” his mother’s voice scolded, a lesson imparted when bite marks appeared on the dash of the family car. Andy’s quick anger resulted in stiff penalty out of public eye, but the reservation of hand to sternly placed words accrued temperance in his actions. Squeezing eyes tightly shut to preserve her voice, he recalled these days of perfection when the best lessons were learned. The fleeting moment passed, and closed the new accommodations in like a casket.                       

           In the corner sat a circus-clad toy box, the only remaining connection to a life he would never again see. It was of only three life-belongings permitted to his name, and a gift from his parents at age 3. Yawning deeply cleared the remaining shadows inflicted by the night, and he fixed his gaze on the box in search of condolences. Offering no reaction to his bitterness, it sat unaffected by its new life and home. The circuses of animals decorating its exterior were posed in action, but Andy had become devoid of the happiness required to bring them to life. “I’m sorry I was mad”, he mumbled into his chest. 

           Visions of a perfect life and family were now as obscure as the angel his mother had claimed him to be, and smiling approval from the elephant was the only consolation for a boy without a family. He looked back for inspiration from the toy box. With a deep breath, he softened his gaze and remembered the day the circus came to town.

           A deep sigh relaxed his pain enough that he remembered his imaginary circus with fondness. His intent stare softened to a gaze when the smiling pink elephant emerged from the panel through his third eye to remind him of its presence. Clouds of reality that swirled in his weary head were displaced by joy once shared with immerging clarity of circus life.

           Clouds in the tiny bedroom glazed his eyes, allowing his mind to ascend beyond life’s incredulous stranglehold. “I want to go away,” he whispered through the stagnant air in the direction of his journey. A pleasant yet undetectable aroma filled his nostrils informing him that the attempt at escape wasn’t in vein. The movement of air brushed his skin, sending goose bumps that shivered his spine. 

Nervous anticipation swarmed his small body that the alternate reality would be where he’d left it. Setting his mind to discover the source of the aroma, he tilted his head slightly back to clear his olfactory. Adulation for his friends joined the sweet, sugary smell from the world where he was being drawn, waking him from the nightmare receding below. He paid no mind to the grin that cracked his otherwise sullen face as that world drifted into dream.

 His mind ascended beyond the confinement of a ravaged body as he struggled against pity for his other self.  Recognizing his tear-stained pillow below, he turned vehemently back to the immerging world where tragedy holds no space. Gravity’s grip loosened above the dull metallic grey of the trailer’s roof as time slowed to cater to his whim. He could no longer remember if the body was clad with pajamas, so he imagined himself dignified in underwear floating above the earth.

A billowy cloud hung invitingly in the fresh morning far above his cares below. Andy’s freedom had never been so welcomed as he ascended toward its curious taste. Swaddling now his naked body in its mystical vapor, the cloud extinguished the residue of anger that clung far below in the ant-sized trailer. 

Complete anonymity embraced the boy in the cloud. His mind was filled only with that which he chose and, for the moment, was an enveloping nothing. Water vapor heaved in and out his body with each breath, rehydrating his existence with hope that had expired down below. This nothingness of his life found favor here in the clouds.

Pulsing numbness surged at his insignificant body with each heartbeat; life’s only testament. Stillness in the obscurity of the cloud aided the recollection of his breath and the rhythmic thud in his chest. Eons passed without care, until the coagulation of time again took root through the baser activity, and the soft boom of his heart echoing in his ears sped with excitement for the journey. Sunshine streamed through the thinning clouds, and gave its approval to continue.

The sun-soaked abyss above the fog introduced itself to the boy’s blue eyes. The field of cotton he could now see clearly was proof he was no longer bound to the life beneath him. That gravity was no match for the blonde kid with a big heart who’d dreamed of ‘making it big’ as a performer under the big top. The only thing worth remembering was that life at the circus would make all dreams come true. Even the familiar buzz of the alarm clock fathoms below failed to strip him of what he wished to accomplish.

In the serenity of this place above the clouds, Andy began to piece together the circus that had been fragmented by trauma of life below. “Andy” a whisper began, sending familiar chills down his spine. He gazed in all directions for its source, floating fluidly in the atmosphere. The malleable, innocent boy saw oblivion stretched in all directions.

“Andy” the voice called a second time, resonating like a dull murmur inside his eardrums. Sunlight glowed through his closed eyelids and warmed his face accentuating the relief that was otherwise unknown to him. He conjured an idea of the face that cast his name, equally warm and inviting. “Open your eyes and see,” the voice spoke kindly a third time. Remnants of fear and anger were all but forgotten when he accepted the invitation.

Light shining through Andy’s open eyes vanquished the hell below. His broken reflection hunched at the side of the bunk purged from his mind into the thin veil of atmosphere.  Vestiges of loathing swirled beneath the clouds from sight, far removed from the tingling salvation of life now flowing through him. The voice’s source was hidden somewhere in the abyss, but finding his own to speak proved impossible in this first step of the voyage.

Velvet-blue infinity stretched around him as he floated in humbled silence, waiting for directions to Circusland. The atmosphere was not quick to divulge its secrets, and would not bend to the will or demand of human time. Still, Andy waited patiently in comforting numbness for the connection to his heart’s desire, staring into forever of the toy box. 

From its pitch black center under sealed lid whispered again the voice that harkened him from his morbid bedroom cell.  “ANDY!” The voice shouted, stirring the catatonic lump on the bed. Cosmic light ripped and swirled for manifestation through his thoughts as his name echoed inside for credence, sending shivers down his spine. While he accepted the magic that was contained within the barrel, counting himself worthy of the magic seeped out only when he could confront the arrogance that was too often the consequence of its knowledge.

Clearing the clutter of all the things he thought he knew served him with humility. Mindfulness in the resulting hollow space of his head gifted Andy toward salvation he sought in Circusland. Separated from his body, he mulled destiny that married him to the magic and transported him to the bin’s interior. Of all the thoughts he used to get to the place of his dreams, it was only in darkness that the path was illuminated. The clouds, the dreams, and happiness were out of sight; but still he was content with who he was.

There in utter darkness he huddled with arms around his knees, the only position capable of accepting his 5-year-old frame with room left enough to breathe. Its space didn’t crush in on him as other small spaces twice the size did. It was the only place no one would think to look for him, so made him king of anonymity. The valleys of mysteries residing within were cylindrical walls of a horizon at the edge of sight.  

The path he was to walk alone didn’t exist in a place of fear. He reached down the roots of claustrophobia toward the valley beyond that lay in wait. A nickel-size patch of grass was a welcome sight in the sea of darkness. An animated gulp reset his heartbeat from throat to chest when finally he was ready for his test. The roots of wonderment proved they were deeper than those of fear that squandered his talent. Size 11 feet stood bare on the dirt-colored box bottom and wriggled in patches of grass springing up under them. 

His horizon was elbow-length away, still confined to cardboard limits. Resting chin on chest so the lid would close proved of little consequence for the magic he could muster. Space was plentiful for the fresh smell of grass to gain its incorporation inside the growing box. The blades tickled at his toes as they grew through, forming a bed in which he now sat. His kingdom inside the barrel grew to arm’s length, and its boundaries stretched with greater ease. The intermittent buzz of an alarm clock failed to retrieve him as it faded in the distance worlds away.