She closes her eyes
And remembers
At the beach, seeing the ocean for the first time,
age five.
It terrified her, and she turned and ran.
No one understood the fear
that came from the huge expanse of water.
Was it a dream? Or was it real?
When she thought about the bridge.
Her father driving, her mother sitting quietly
in the seat next to him.
She remembers being in the back,
cowering in the footwell
With her eyes closed, tears streaming,
Her hands covering her ears to keep out her screams
As her father drove off the bridge into
the dark water below.
She closes her eyes
And remembers
When the rapist took her innocence
among other things.
He took away
her ability to love.
He took her trust,
her desires,
her soul.
She closes her eyes
And remembers
Spankings with the belt.
Her laughing until she was crying
While father, drunk as usual
Beat her bottom, not realizing
She had heard him coming, and put a pillow
in her pajamas.
To pad the pain
that came from loving this man entirely.
She closes her eyes
And remembers
The first cry
from her newborn.
A girl.
She hoped and prayed for a girl.
As a nurse placed her wrapped baby in her arms,
She remembers
Apologizing
For bringing her girl
into such a horrible world.
She closes her eyes
And remembers
The butterfly migration.
Floating gently around her
Surrounding her with flutters
and beauty.
She remembers
Wishing she were a bird.
Flying high and free
above the clouds.
Into space
and towards the sun
Into eternity
Where love, peace, and no hurting
lives.
She closes her eyes
And remembers
The beauty
in the nature she loves.
Wishing she were anywhere
but here.
A life filled with peace,
love, and happiness.
Can such joy
be found here?
She closes her eyes
And remembers.