Spring Break was over in a blink of an eye, the bruise on my face was almost gone, and my heart was at its regular rate or so it seemed. Nothing to worry or think about. Just spending time with my parents, and Mimi. It was relaxing and what I needed. It was how was I meant to spend my last days of life. Although there was still something I had to make clear with Rocky. Maybe I was just pretending not to realize, or I was just afraid to know the truth.
To know that she was also lying to me. I accused Cameron of messing with her when it was all a lie. Of course, Cameron wasn't going to oppose Rocky. She was important to him, just like Yael was. They were family. I sulk in my room, debating if I had enough time to spend, fighting with my best friend. There was another person I had to put up with. Seeing Aubrey's cynical attitude towards me was difficult. In reality, I wanted her to hate me, to her heart contempt because she would regret it when I die. I was disappointed in her, I didn't hate her though, maybe I was just too naïve. I was lying as well. I was afraid and that's why I didn't fight with Aubrey.
Afraid of God. Afraid of being judged for hating or for not forgiving. I was going to die and I didn't want to go and regret not forgiving the people who in some way, had a reason to treat me the way they did. Aubrey was one of those people. Time was moving on and I was getting no answer of in my surgery. I had to stay clear because I was afraid of dying.
I never saw or heard from Cameron. It was for the best. I let the guilt beat me up alone, I shouldn't have opened my mouth and confess to Cameron. What was I supposed to say now? Oh, by the way, I might die at any moment. Although I wanted to know because my stupid heart was a masochist. I obstructed myself to talk about him with my sister out of people, it would be a mistake. My priority was to keep myself calm. Another reason to keep myself calm and concentrate on myself was; I wanted to for once, face my fear of feeling people's pity. I had decided to talk to Cameron. Tell him everything, but I needed to prepare myself for that.
By the end of the break, I was ready, as ready as I could be. Going back to school meant seeing Cameron, Yael, Rocky, and Aubrey all in the same place. Great.
My alarm went off in the morning. I got ready for school, I didn't feel like going at all. I sighed as made my way out of the house. But soon as I stepped into the living room I knew Cameron and my secret had to wait. As soon as Aubrey left to school, my mom informed me about Dr. Jackson wanting to talk to us urgently. My heart throbbed a little. I was scared and anxious just to know that he was at my house. Bad news, good news? I looked up at the ceiling, praying to God.
Dr. Jackson's serious face waited for my parents and me. Hesitant to take a seat, I took a deep breath and sat next to my mom. She held my hand and smiled, but I could see the anguish in her bluish eyes. I swallowed the knot in my throat. I knew I was selfish for going all out on trying to make my love story happened, instead of caring more for my parents. They were getting beat up, for sixteen years they have been fighting. I wasn't being fair.
"I'm here because..." Dr. Jackson paused for a second.
"There are several things to talk about..." his eyes seriously looking at some tests he held in his hands. My mom's hands were naturally cold, but they were freezing now and even when she was trying to cover it, she was shaking. I couldn't help to wonder how many times she had gone through the same routine. I was having the wakeup call I needed. I was lying to myself thinking that this was all about me. I was dragging my parents down, my friends and now Cameron. I had to add him to the list.
"Now, that Samantha knows her condition. She needs to know this..." Dr. Jackson said in a very serious voice, making my heart react to it. Placing the report on the coffee table in front of us, I glanced at it, but I had no idea what the numbers and words meant. Although I could see a big difference from low number jumping to a big number in short time. I glanced up at him. He knew I noticed.
"While you were on your trip, was there a reason for you to go to a hospital?" he asked directly to me, his voice calm but I could notice the demand. He was annoyed. Both my mom and dad turned to me, waiting for an explanation. Is this it? Will they finally snap at me? Finally, I was going to be yelled at? Scolded and may be grounded. Was this the way I was going to experience to be normal and get in trouble?
"Samantha?" Mom waited, her eyes full of concern.
"It was nothing, really, just got excited with my friends. I felt some pain and Yael took me to the hospital." I explained avoiding my mother's gaze because through her eyes were so clear and beautiful, they had the power to see through my lies.
"What has been happening lately?" Doctor Jackson asked, his voice still annoyed, he knew everything that had to do with my heart. Every little emotion, he knew it, I felt like I was going to get into a hole that I didn't want to fall in. This was what I had done to myself, instead of getting better, I was ending my life impatiently. Rushing through to end it quick. The least I could do was let them know, tell the ones that had been fighting for me, what I wanted.
"I don't know what to tell you. I know I'm supposed to control myself but I am trying to cherish every second I get. I'm afraid, honestly, I'm afraid to the bone. I don't want to die, mom... What can I say?" I answered trying to avoid their eyes, again.
My dad gave my shoulder a little squeeze. I knew he meant it as support, but in reality, it made me feel bad, really bad. What was I doing making my parents go through this misery and struggle, seeing their daughter dying day by day? I took my dad's hand and, in my mind, asked for forgiveness for being so wrong.
"What would happen if I stop living now, I will die from depression. Either way, I'm condemned." I fought the tears. My mom covered me in her warming hug to make me feel better, but she was cold and trembling.
"Believe me, I do understand. I have seen many cases through my life, but you are special. I know what you feel, I know and I want to help you. But at this point, there's only one option..." Dr. Jackson clarified his deep brown eyes looked hopeful for once.
"Okay, I need you to be open-minded about this, and for the love of God, listen without getting emotional. It's very important to control your heart rate. Do you understand?" Doctor Jackson asked. Again, his serious eyes piercing mine, I couldn't do anything but nod.
"Dr. James, the doctor that checked you recently sent me the results of your checked up..." he sighed. Tapping at the report in front of me, and again. I had no clue what the numbers meant.
"By not avoiding all these emotional situations... Your heart has lost a good amount of power, for a miracle it keeps functioning, but, tell me, Samantha. You can feel how tired you get so easily now, don't you?" he asked, his eyes piercing me. I nodded.
"Samantha... if you keep going like this, you will not even get to eighteen... you have to help me... I can't do it all by myself..." forgetting about the annoyance, his eyes turned slightly emotional. Trying hard to do as he asked, I kept on breathing slowly and try to keep my heart at its rate, but it was really difficult with the news I was listening to. Especially when my mom was already crying for me.
"Please calm down, Susan," Doctor asked gently of my mom, I had been in Dr. Jackson's care for so long that my parents and he were like best friends.
"The way your heart is working right now; the risk of an open-heart surgery is pretty high. Your body had decayed in strength and immunity, you can get an infection, possible failure. There's the possibility of losing your life... we have the clearance, but I don't know if you will be able to handle it." Dr. Jackson explained in detail, handing the paper information to my parents and me. Read the information, I couldn't. My eyes were already moist with tears.
"We have to hear what Robert is saying." Dad comforted my mom, even when he tried to sound calm; I knew he wanted to break in just like my mom did.
"I know the last thing you want to think about is this, but Samantha is at the age she wants to experience many things. It's a risk for her to keep going like a normal kid when she's not... do you want to keep risking your life? or you want to try and pray to God that this works?" Dr. Jackson asked directly of me, this time his eyes a little gentle.
"Of course not, I will not put my daughter's life at risk!" Mom made out the words between sobs.
Though I knew my parents were against it. My mind went back to everything I had been through, everything my parents have suffered, even if they never said anything. I knew they have been always waiting for a signal, a miracle that I would survive, or at least make my life last a little longer. Since I've found out about my heart condition, quietly I had seen my mom cry none stop and my dad, though he didn't cry, I saw the grief in his eyes when he looked at me. God couldn't be put me through so much if he didn't want me to take the risk. After all, this was the complicated relationship we had. Take the bad with the good.
I knew I should have felt anger against life or God for choosing me to face the fate he gave me, but I didn't. God, had given me very patient parents. Parents that loved me and cried for me. He had given me my best friends, and also someone whom I loved. Though I knew Cameron had his problems that time he said, he loved me. I believed him. I knew God knew I was miserable enough with my illness that he would at least not let Cameron played with me. Now he was giving me an opportunity to dream that I wouldn't see my parents cry anymore, an opportunity to talk to Cameron and maybe fix the problem. It was a two way out, either I died in surgery, or for a few more years, which was the same fight I was having without the surgery. The only difference was, the surgery was going to take the pain away, I hoped.
"Mom, dad... I've decided myself." I reassured them trying to sound mature enough to make a decision as important as this one.
"It's just like Doctor Jackson says, mom. I'm growing up and I want to experience everything. My heart is not helping right now if I keep going like this... I'll probably get less and less. I can feel it." I said forcing my voice not to break in the middle of my speech, I swallowed the knot forming in my throat and push the words out.
"Parents seeing their kid die before them, it's not how it supposed to be... I believe in chances, and if God doesn't want me to let my parents experience that, by giving me this opportunity... I, I want to take it." my voice almost a whisper now.
"Samantha... my beloved daughter." dad said his shaking hands taking mines.
"Ever since you were born, you've been a good daughter... the saddest time for us has been when we have to keep you from doing what you really want to do..." his voice finally broke down, burying my face in his chest.
"Baby, do you know that even if it's a risk, we won't see you for a lifetime if you want to take the chance and you believe that's the right choice... your mother and I will not oppose it." dad assured, I could see that my mom had a hard time agreeing but at the end, she nodded in agreement.
"So, please Robert. Help my daughter... live." dad begged Doctor. Jackson. Though I managed to keep my heart under control, I couldn't help the tears.
"Of course," Doctor answered with determination, reaching out to give him friendly support.