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from Don't Let Go by Karla Martinez

Copyright © 2019 Karla Martinez

Reality

After a few hours of more checkup, I stopped fighting Barbara and let her do her job. I was too drain to fight for what was killing me in the first place. Yael took Rocky home, she needed as much rest as I did. They cried with me, Yael held me and calmly explain to Barbara the reason I had taken the IV out. I was floating in the air, my body was flying in space, without anywhere to land. My ears were hearing their voices, but I wasn't listening. I was trying to convince myself that wanting to die was the stupidest thing I could want. I was actually dying, what I wanted was to be a lie. Even when my eyes felt like two fireballs, I still managed to keep the tears flowing and my brain was giving up.

My parents brought me home, mom prepared a broccoli soup. I pretended I liked, though I couldn't even taste it. My throat was hoarse, my eyes hurt from all the salt of my tears. Mom smiled so gently, but her eyes were swollen and red. She blamed it on allergies, which was a lie. Now I could see it. I had believed my mom suffered from allergies my whole life, but she was just crying. Silently crying her eyes out. Now I could see all the things I thought were over the top, how many alums pictures they had of Aubrey and me, and home videos of every birthday, or every little accomplishment. It was because of this. They needed something to look back on when I was around anymore. My swollen heart tightened up more, which it wasn't good. I locked myself in my room.

Mimi followed, she could sense my sadness. She kept herself close to my feet and looking up. I picked her up as we launched in my love chair beside the balcony. Mimi curled up next to my ribs, as I opened up my laptop.

Coronary Heart Decease: I typed into the search bar.

The first thing that popped out was the definition. (A condition that can be treated but can't be cured). Carefully reading every definition, the symptoms, the check-ups; everything made sense. Why I felt so weak, why I could never do what any normal kid could. Why the diets, everything. Everything was because if I didn't, I would have died a long time ago. That's all I needed to know. I closed down the computer and got my phone out.

My chest ached and the burning sensation never stopped, there was no way to stop it anymore. For the first time in so long, I fell asleep without any dreams or nightmares, just a simple deep sleep, like I was dead.

The next morning, I woke up before my alarm went off. I opened my eyes and the first thing in my view was her. Her little body curled into a small ball of white fur. I couldn't help to smile. The soft light of the morning sun hurt my dry eyes. It wasn't very sunny at 7 am but my eyeballs were damaged. Like everything else is. I said to myself.

There was no pain in my chest, probably it did but I was just numb. The reality was there. I couldn't hide it anymore. Putting a hand over my heart, I laid still for a few minutes trying to count the beat of my heart. It sounded normal, or maybe it wasn't. I never really cared about it, but I was curious about how a normal heartbeat at this point.

"Mimi," I whispered, my throat was sore still Mimi recognized my voice.

She immediately raised her ears and wagged her tiny tail with excitement. She answered with a loud happy bark and jumped clos...











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